If Jerry Springer Hosted American Idol...

...It would go a little something like this:
A friend and I were on a subway recently.  Behind us was a lovely, handsome, silver fox that outfoxes Sean Connery and Anderson Cooper.  He was on the phone with his lady love.  He wanted her to come see a live band perform. The band he started.  He wanted to show her off and prove to the world he had himself a beautiful, sexy, woman whom he loved.

Now, let's leave make believe land and enter the harsh world of reality.  Imagine a scruffy, dirty, dingy, drunk, probably smelly, drunk, inebriated, slurring, dirty, and did I mention drunk Rico Suave.  The only way to truly explain this conversation to you is to just provide you with the transcript.

"Baby, I love you.  I love, love, love you. You my woman. I want to take you to this concert to see a band... a band I started. (pause)  No, fuck them other bitches. I want to show you off 'cause baby I love you. I could have any bitch I want, but I love you, girl. Baby, baby, baby (pause) Girl, do you know how much I love you!?!?! Even after you stabbed me, I am still with you.  Do you know how much I love you!?!  (pause) Baby... baby... come on girl! HELLO! HELLO! (I think he lost connection because we are underground) Hey, hey... well then fuck you! If you are ashamed to be seen with me, then don't come, but if you ain't then, let me know 'cause I love you, and I want you to come. (Who is he talking to? At this point that phone couldn't have one damn bar! anyway...) I love you!..."

Here is where he serenades her to prove that he A) really did start a band and B) in case she didn't know, loves her more than them other bitches.  I couldn't make out a fair amount of it because Brothers Jim Bean and Bud Light were singing all of over his melodious voice.

The sorrow is my hand
(gibberish)
IN MY HAND!!! 
Your heart is filled with sorrow in my hand 
(profanity filled gibberish)


"That's how much I love you. If you are ashamed of me, then don't come, but baby I want you to come! Baby, baby..."


Unfortunately, it was time to exit the train, so we do not know if he ever actually got her to come or if he ever realized that the phone was disconnected like 4 stops ago.  Whomever she was, she is a lucky lady.

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Olfactory 101: Delicious

So it has been awhile since I blogged.  Life has been hectic to say the least.  Well, I figured what better way to rejoin the blogosphere than to relay an interesting exchange, if you will,  I had today.

Part of my work responsibilities involve pH-ing water from its natural pH of 7 to a pH of 2 using hydrochloric acid. (Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz) Sorry, I fell asleep while typing that.  This water has to go through a vetting process that would shame John McCain.  Hmmm Sarah "You Betcha" Palin did that quite well on her own.  ANYWAY! So the water has to go through another facility for sterilization before entering our research room.  (No, you are not narcoleptic.) The supervisor I have to deal with was out today, so I had to talk to the other supervisor, Don Juan.  Don Juan has this aurora about him.  He reeks of Perve de Jour.  He is a man that winks at you while he is talking to you, you know that is undressing you with his mind, and that he is checking out your butt as you walk away.  Well, as I was leaving, he is walking behind me to take the water to the proper location.  He said, "I am not trying to be rude or inappropriate, but you smell delicious."