There have been some events over the past few months... hell, let's be honest...YEARS! that continuously brought up the idea of milestones. Yes, you can measure your life in years or accomplishments. However, years and accomplishments do not measure growth as a person. As we grow, develop, mature, learn, harden, we also add, subtract, multiple, define the constants in our lives. The thing we take for granted in our youth is that most of us have complete control over the variables in that equation.
In this case, the variables I speak of are people. We decide on our friends from the moment we can recognize another living being. As we enter adolescence, we make new friends and let some go. As we enter college and our early twenties, we realize that we were complete and utter morons in high school, and if we are lucky, we evolve, grow into better, more confident people. With a better grasp on our sense of self, we grow distant from some and closer than we ever could conceive possible to others.
With this growth, milestones are reached. Friends start to marry, have children, and start building a great foundation that we are just grateful to be a part of. For most of us, this begins around age 22. As we approach our 30s, more friends are marrying, having children, but also realizing that maybe, they were not 100% right about everything in their early 20s. This continuance in growth sometimes lead to divorce, a change in career, return to school, or the decision to finally expand your family. The one thing we rarely think about in our 20s or even our 30s is that we are rapidly approaching a time when that complete control we have over our equation is slipping away. Those constants that we usually assume are our parents, caregivers start to become variables. As we age, grow, accomplish, they age, slow down, and eventually, without our consent or participation... they are no more.
This has been something I have been wrestling with. How do you wrap your mind around this? With the arrival of new life we must lose older, valued life. I have my issues with my parents. We all have our issues. Some are more severe, grave than the norm. For those of us that genuinely love and value our parent(s), how do we prepare for that day when you can no longer pick up the phone and call them? How do we prepare for the day when you can no longer say "OMG WOMAN! YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!" because they know how to push your buttons to get a rise out of you? How do you prepare for that time when you can no longer hear their voice when it is to say something you know you don't want to hear but you need to?
With these thoughts come guilt. Guilt over not calling enough. Guilt from holding silly grudges. Guilt from deciding that today is the day I have to leave them behind and live for me.
I believe most of us run from these thoughts because we assume we have forever with our constants. We all have this fantasy of our parents growing old, wearing tracksuits, and pushing pimped out walkers. For the fortunate, that fantasy becomes a reality. For the rest, they must live with the fact that forever came while their parent(s) still had so much life to live. They had so much life to live because you were still becoming this person you wanted them to know and love.
A friend of mines, Cathy, mother passed away. She passed away a few days before the birth of her first grandbaby. Life is so cruel. This wonderful woman, who is sweet, smart, and funny, lost her mother days before she became a mother. Sounds like some sick twist of irony. Situations like this always leave me wondering... Just speechless. It makes me grateful that I still have my mother, but nothing is promised and her forever is beyond my control. So how do we reconcile those thoughts? My conclusion at the age of 29: We don't. We live. We let go of guilt. We do the best we can with the life we have. We let go of those destructive individuals in our lives. We appreciate who we have and remember that we do not control when we lose them.
Cathy, your loss is something I cannot process. The thought is more than I can truly bear. What I can say is: I have control over my relationship with you. I want to make it stronger. You are someone I value. If you want me to be there for you in anyway, I will do my very best to be there. You are going to be an AMAZING mom. You deserve the peace and happiness your child will bring you. I am so sorry for your loss.
This is just beautiful. I simply love it.
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