LAME with a capital AME!

A few years ago, I encountered this older gentleman while waiting on the train.  He spent the better part of an hour (yes, following me on the damn train) trying to impress me by saying he was going to be on Oprah because of his t-shirt slogan.  Now, there is nothing about me that says "dumb/gullible/desperate".  First of all, it takes more than a t-shirt slogan to get the Big O's attention.  The slogan was something like "I am stronger than my past" or "I am not my past"...  Basically, it was generic and LAME! He needed something that could not be found in the Hallmark store between the Sympathy and Sobriety cards.  He showed it to me on a piece of paper.  The layout screamed of MS word art.  In my mind, I was laughing in his face because he really thought he: a) had a chance with this. Homie no! b) really thought someone would buy into this.  At the time, I was polite because I assumed the guy was a nutcase.  Who else would think Oprah+word art+generic slogan= getting laid? After the longest hour EVUH!, I was free to laugh at this absurdity of it. I remember calling all of my people to share the details.

Over the years, I would see him pulling this same sad schtick with young girls.  Some looked to be in high school girls.  I always shook my head and kept it moving.



Well, today I ran into this fine specimen of a loser on the sidewalk.  I was exiting the subway.  I had just climbed a bazillion stairs and it was the end of the day and I was tired! All of a sudden I hear "YAY YOU MADE IT! You did it!" Um, excuse me?! I look at his face and die a little on the inside.  My mission: ESCAPE ASAP! As I walk away, he catches up with me.  "Hey! I know you."  Cue the fast paced walking to get away from him.  He decides that he must keep up with me and starts speaking in a higher volume: "Hey, you know me. Don't you remember me?"

So... with half the damn city staring at me, I stop and face him.  Plus, I don't want this ass to follow me.
**Sigh**
"Um sorta.  Something about Oprah, right?" Oh, if I could have walked into traffic, but there was a parked bus blocking my access to the road.
So this...man gets excited. He starts telling me about how he missed being on Oprah by three people. (What does that even mean!?) As he is telling me this, he whips out a ziplock bag with some cards in it.  My heart skips a beat because I really do not want to chop him in his Adam's apple and dash across the street, but it is looking like he is about to get hurt. Now here is where it gets GOOD and a bit crazy.  So stick with me
He is called "Man" because I do not know his name nor do I want to know his name.  Plus, Ass Wipe is just too long to type.

 Man: Do you remember my slogan?
Me: (In my mind) That crappy slogan!?! I promptly forgot that garbage! (What I actually said) Um.... hmmm... no not really. Okay. Bye.
Man: Oh come on! You don't remember it?! Well do you remember what you thought about it?
Me: (Mind) ugh he is like a fucking roach in your cornflakes!! Yes, I remember how I felt.  It was one of the greatest comedic moments of my life. (What I said was) Uh... no not really.
Man: You don't remember?
Me: (Mind) Okay, asshole. Let's dance. (What I actually said) Do you really want to know? Are you sure?
Man: Yes! (He has this expectant look on his face. I think he really thought I was impressed.)
Me: Well if you really want to know.  I thought it was LAME! I didn't say that the first time. But since you want to know, it was lame.
Man: LAME!? I have a camera with pictures of Oprah wearing my shirts and hat. I have Tyler Perry and Deval Patrick wearing my shirts and hats, but you thought it was lame?
Me: Yeah. It did nothing for me. Look I gotta go. I am trying to get to the gym.

This is where I walk/run across the street.

He starts yelling from the sidewalk "YOU ARE WRONG! YOU SHOULDN'T DO PEOPLE LIKE THAT! YOU SHOULD BUILD THEM UP!"

My response was to laugh at him as I walked away.  The thing that ticked me off the most: He wasn't committed to his own ruse.  He was wearing a Bulls hat... Subconsciously, he knew his story was weak and pathetic slogan was (say it with me) LAME!