Vacancy at Our Ladies of Saint Santorum: Sister Wives Wanted

Here is a quick update on the hunt for a summer sublet.  Today, I encountered what could only be described as a cult! HA! Not joking! So I will take you through their robabitch.com (craigslist) posting. My thoughts are in red. Seriously, these are my thoughts as I was reading it.

"Excellent location!!! WHERE?! TELL ME! Neverland Ranch?! (JUST JOKING!) 

Front of building faces streams with stone bridges, running paths, park areas, geese, squirrels, ducks. Back side is a large dog park (no dog noise heard, though :o) PUPPIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Science, researchers, medical, public health students highly desired. The apartment is quiet and on the third floor, so no overhead or stairway noise. Wonderful home to study, sleep peacefully and warmly in. Quiet people.  No sounds of neighbors having sexing?! SIGN ME UP!

Early move-in available. Lease available Sept. 1, 2012 at $825/mo. Summer: July 1 -Aug. 31 at $875. We also have a view room coming available: $925 Summer, $875 Sept.

There is a house policy of "no guests in bedrooms at any time" that we all take seriously. All rooms are single-occupancy only.  No roommates having sex noises?!?! OMG! YAY!... Hold up! Wait a min.  Does that mean I can't have friends or a "friend" over? WTF! Deep breath! I can live with that.  I can live with that...

Animals, smoking, drug use, partying, abhorrent lifestyle choices, and unpleasantness are not welcome in our home.  Sweet my allergies and need to be asleep with the other octogenarians will be catered to.  But um... WHAT IN THE HELL IS ABHORRENT LIFESTYLE CHOICES? Are they talking about THE gays?  Maybe they are referring to avid knitters. OH OH OH I know! They must be talking about people who have social lives.  Hmm, maybe this is not going to work....

To keep the home a sanctuary for study and rest, we have infrequent guests and refrain from cooking kim chi, with oil, heavy seafood, and make every effort to minimize smelly foods wafting throughout.
SANCTUARY!? Ugh! Warriors for Jesus! Oh and slightly racist. What the hell am I supposed to eat? Boiled food!?

Every person participates in regular thorough cleaning of the apartment or selects the $30/month opt-out. 
I just noticed this buried gem. WOW! Seriously, wow!

We love the apartment, the location, and are looking for the right person to join us.
Um.... good luck finding an abstinent, OCD, mute person.  You are now officially my social experiment of the day! I shall read on! 

Early move-in available for early to mid June if needed.
Why would we want to delay the fun?

Utilities are shared three ways as are common expenses. Summer time is higher due to AC use. UCE (Utilities, Common Expenses) range from $45- $105 per person summer depending on shopping trips and AC use. They are usually about $45 - $55. They include strong WiFi, stove heat, and electricity. Heat and water are included.
Acronyms...

Kitchen has all appliances, cookware, dishes, common spices and your own shelf space. You will need your own rice cooker, if you like rice often.
So no Asian or Indian people?  Make sure you drive that point home! Oh and can't use your CVS rice cooker? Bitch, please. 

First, Last and UCED (Utilities, Common Expenses, Damage), deposit $200 due at move-in. To secure the room in advance Last Month's rent and UCED is required. 
Seriously, did they have to redefine the acronym?  Condescending too.

New bed and bedding (not pictured) are included as are a sturdy desk, lamp, chair, full-length mirror, clothing organizers and largest closet in the apartment.
Room has new floor, new paint.
Not even new paint, floors, or furniture is enough to subject myself to this.

Because I am such a great person, I just had to email to find out what "abhorrent lifestyle choices" meant.  Oh the reply is golden! 

By abhorrent lifestyle, we mean getting drunk, frequent drinking, sleeping with someone,  doing drugs, staying out at all hours of the night, using foul language, the sort of things most people's parents do not do and would harm yourself or the people you live with.

So basically, they are looking for a dead person... The last time I checked, most people's parent do a fair amount of things on that list.   I was thinking about showing up with my very gay male friend.  We would pretend to be in an open relationship, but we do not sleep with each other.  He sleeps with the guys and I get the girls.  Also, I was tempted to ask about a prayer circle because I really wanted to ask Jesus for a girlfriend and end it with "Fuck Yeah".   

Damn you, conscience!!!

Update:  My response to her email (feel free to pray for  me HA!)

Thanks for getting back to me.  Most of the things on your list of abhorrent lifestyle choices do not apply to me; however, I do curse like a sailor sometimes and if God's willing, I hope to get laid a few times this summer.  Best of luck finding a roommate.